iDream

I’m sure that I’m not any different from every other women when we were little girls. Dreams were based on what I wanted to be when I grew up; a lawyer, a fashion designer, I even at one point wanted to work in a MASH unit like Loretta Switt and Alan Alda! Than it was dreams about my prince, the perfect man for me. How tall he would be, hair and eye color, his personality, and what he did for a living. I would dream of the big house with the white picket fence and the 2 children with our dogs sleeping peacefully by the fireplace.

Have you ever written a letter to yourself and saved it for a period of time? I used to even do that from time to time. It would usually be on New Year’s Eve, to be opened the following New Year’s Eve to see if anything in my letter came to fruition. I even had a Freshmen English teacher do that for our class in which she would mail us the letters during our graduation. Wow, was that an eye opener! To see how much things had changed over a period of just four short years! I think I laughed hysterically over the letter, and every now and then when I come across the letter, I laugh even harder! To think I thought that life would always be perfect!

Now that I am older, wiser, and settled into the reality of what life really is, I fear that I don’t have many dreams anymore. Oh I have dreams, but I don’t believe that Russell Crowe in my sleep counts as something obtainable or even remotely realistic, it’s just that illusionary dream. Nice when it happens though! Ok, back to reality and let me explain why I don’t think I have many dreams anymore. I wasted a lot of my youth on frivolous pursuits. I tried going to college, I just couldn’t stay dedicated to it. Things like boys, the beach, and working to support the first two became my priorities. I married the first man I thought I really loved and who asked me. Looking back I realize that it was a desperation to get away from my mother’s ever present imaginary thumb holding me down. I tried to continue school while living on a military installation, but I didn’t even finish a year there when he told me to move back up near my parents to keep me away from the base while he was overseas. The accelerated classes were perfect for me and I could have had an associates within a year. After we split I met my current husband shortly after and he was close to getting out of the military as well. I was starting over, he was starting over and we had months that we were excited to just be able to go grocery shopping!

For anyone who has followed my blog from blogger, you know from there, my husband and I have lost our house and of course I am now jobless, which that alone makes me wonder where I should go from here. What dreams do I want to pursue? What dreams do I even have? I know the one thing that would make me happy and that would be to travel the world. I know that I will not be lucky enough to find a job that would allow me the opportunity to do that. I don’t speak another language, I don’t have a degree, I don’t have any connections to a business world that would afford me the position of traveling. In the big corporate world I would be lucky to rate as a personal secretary! Regardless, I want to see the Eifel Tower, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Colosseum, the canals of Venice, Stonehenge, the Alps, the Pyramids of Giza, and I would love to see the Great Wall of China!

So this is my only dream that I afford myself these days. I know that dreams are free, and that some of the greatest and successful people dreamed big and worked hard and obtained there dreams of large houses, expensive cars, big jobs, fancy vacations, but I guess I am passed all those things now. I just want to live my life, see the world and be the best person that I can be. Being that I am currently on a road to self discovery, because I just don’t know what I want to do or what direction I want to go in, but I dream of having a mental illumination that would show me the way! Since I don’t think things happen like that, I am better off keeping things simple for now.

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