Loosing isn’t Easy

So as with life we have to learn to deal with loss. Our lives move forward not always taking us all in the same directions and we drift apart losing touch and sight of the people we love and care about. Well that’s what is happening with me. I had a wonderful BFF, someone who I could laugh with, cry with, someone who everyone around us told us we were the perfect Homance…however, that is all coming to an end now and while I try to be strong for everyone around me, I’m really crying inside. I’m not the only one that has lost her, and I am trying to be so strong for them and it’s becoming harder and harder to do so. I’m happy for her on one hand because she needed to get out and explore the world, needing to learn to be the strong and independent person that I know she is, but I didn’t think that would mean her moving away.

While everyone says that just because someone moves away they are still your friends, but let’s face it, long distant friendships are hard to keep and while she will always be my friend, eventually she will have new Bff’s related to her current life. While we may still pick up the phone or chat on Facebook, it still isn’t the same. No more late night trips to Starbucks, or morning coffee at each other’s house. No more grocery store trips or afternoons chasing yard sales, or just stopping by to say hi. It’s a loss that I feel profoundly in my day to day life. I envy my husband who has a friend back in Ohio and they have been friends for 20 years and still call each other on a weekly basis, and he still calls him his best friend, but I think for a women it’s a lot different. We crave interaction, we need to be able to see that face when it sits across from you laughing or crying with you. We need to be able to pick up that phone and say can you be ready in 10 minutes.

Realistically I haven’t been a great friend to many people. Even ones that live somewhat locally, and I have always understood the hurt that they harbor because they were expecting so much for me, expecting more than I could give. I am really only capable of having one really good friend at a time. While I love to have multiple friends to get together with, there’s really only room for one BFF at a time. That’s my fault, my burden to bear, because when that one friend moves on, I become reclusive, depressed and disappointed that I didn’t do things differently. I guess you can say that I can only have one at a time, because it’s to hard to share with everyone. People get jealous, they start to be petty and it doesn’t become very pretty.

I have tried to join groups in the hopes that I can finally find a group of women who can get past all that and just be a group. You know in the movies when you have 3 or 4 women who are all friends together like and I hate to use this but Sex in the City. There are 4 women all of different backgrounds, family status, but it doesn’t matter because they all come together and are not jealous and petty and they don’t monopolize one over the other, but I have never found that. I have only been able to cultivate one good friendship at a time. I am thankful for that and each one gets better, but just finding that one person that you connect with on so many levels is very difficult to find.

Even toward the end she even became a little jealous over the fact that I had cultivated new friendships and was spending time with other people. What am I supposed to do? She left me…kind of like having a boyfriend, you can’t just expect me to sit and wait every day and night waiting for that phone call or wondering if your going to be in town for the day or night. I have to learn to move on with my life. It’s been hard, because again I understand her need to move on and I wish her so much happiness, but I feel like I was dumped and I can’t help but be a little sad and frankly a little angry over that. Ironically we became friends as couples, but we envisioned ourselves as old women sitting in our rocking chairs on our front porch, now I have a vision of two men sitting in front of the TV blowing up people on the latest video game even when they are 60. But at the same time, someday we will all drift as well towards new lives that probably wont’ include him either. Because when your no longer a couple of course your now on the hunt for you own new life that may include a new place, a new person, a new way of doing things.

I have tried so hard to not let this affect me, but I know it is and I just had to get it out. There of course was a lot of other drama involved, not necessarily on my part, but it’s hard when your still friends with the spouse and you are there trying to help them pick up the pieces too. A marriage is definitely more important than just a friend status, but since he seems to be getting over it and moving on now, it’s my time to be a little selfish and sad, is that wrong of me??? Well like the job, I went on vacation and really just had an opportunity to get over it, and again I will be leaving again soon for another adventure that will also help me just come to terms with things and I can get back on track to my own road of new adventure and discovery.

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