Posts Tagged ‘52 Weeks of Me’

Dreams – Flashbacks

The only problem about participating in a challenge, is that you don’t know what the next week’s theme is going to be. Last week the theme was all about current dreams which lead me to remember my dreams of the past and where that has led me now. This weeks challenge is to remember the dreams of the past, and yet I already feel that I have covered this, but at the same time I haven’t.

Thanks to my DVR, I just finished the first episode of the new show “Live to Dance.” I love these shows, the creativity, the passion, and the drive that these people have. As with any reality talent T.V. show, I am always inspired by the people who go on these shows. Kids that are only 9 years old to women who are 90 years young. I find that their inspiration, their passions move me to tears. Yes, I can honestly say I am a Paula Abdul when it comes to watching these shows. I find myself crying  just because of the love and the dream that they have for something, which I feel is lacking in my own life. I realize that while I had dreams, I never found the passion for anything beyond the day-to-day. I played piano for years and I tried dance. Neither one really at the time inspired any type of passion within me.

Where does passion and dreams come from? Where does the drive to excel come from? Is it born in you? Is it something that transfers from parent to child? Is it the product of an upbringing or the lack of drive and passion from those that influence you? I’m not going to blame my parents for the lack of passion and drive, but at the same time for me I think I have to lay some responsibility at their feet. While it may not be fair to make them responsible for my now past future, when you see no drive in those around you it leaves the impression that life is all about growing up, getting a good job, raising a family and just working. My parents didn’t go to the river, didn’t ski, didn’t go to the beach, and didn’t excel at any particular craft. There was not a lot of worldly experience growing up, in fact I was kept in a bubble of protection and ignorance.

I also can look back at the people who were teaching me and found that there wasn’t much passion within them either. Dance was taught in the traditional manner, nothing noted about a student who has a passion and maybe needed more that what they were giving. A piano teacher who didn’t teach theory or get more in-depth about the music, it was just all about the keys and the timing. Today I couldn’t tell you what A minor is and even how to play it. Does it mean something is sharp, or flat? While I enjoy watching dance, and have a wonderful appreciation for music, I feel that something is still missing.

Than I have to look within myself and wonder why as I sit here admiring these young people for their talent and drive, why I don’t have this quality in me to pursue the dreams of my youth. I loved to dig in the dirt, I loved to see faraway places through movies, T.V., and books. I love to decorate and make things beautiful. Now that I have the time to really think about where it is I want to go, why can’t I pin point what it is that I want to do and run with it? Why can’t I seem to break free of the invisible chains that bind me and fly? I find in the darkest moments of the night that I still can’t just relax my body, my breathing and let my mind drift away; but instead lay there chest tightening and breathing ragged and fear gripping my body.

How do you go back and recreate your childhood dreams, making them reality? I don’t know how to do it. It’s as simple as that, I just don’t know where to start? The fears of being to old to start over, not smart enough, not talented enough become a block wall that I haven’t found the mental sledge-hammer to break down. I look at all the things that I loved or love and wonder how I can incorporate them into something that will fulfill me. I wanted to be a lawyer, an archeologist, a historian, a traveller, and a dancer. It seems to me that I must learn how to fly free, before I can realize any of these dreams. Once I learn how to do that, I hope that the rest will just fall into place.

Advertisements

iDream